GHOSTLY JOKES - HUMOR FROM HELL
It ain't all er... deadly serious stuff in
the netherworld, folks! As we are about to find out, ghosts can have a er...
spooky sense of humor.
2 good friends meet in hell!
Lawyer Satan
It's tea time
Lawyers and vampires
Blonde humor
Strange Friday deaths at hospital
Going to Heaven
Sex with a Ghost?
Two good friends Freddy and Pete met at
the gates of hell seeking entry. They were surprised to see each other as they
hadn't known of the other's death.
"Freddy!" Pete gushed.
"Pete!" Freddy replied. "I didn't know you er..."
"Died? Yeah well, you know how it is." Pete said. "I didn't know about you
either!"
They shook hands and embraced sadly.
"So what happened to you?" Freddy asked. "You were always the athletic one,
always so full of energy!"
"You wouldn't believe it but I was locked inside a freezer and couldn't escape.
I literally froze to death. What about you?"
"Life's been cruel to me!" Freddy lamented. "I had a heart attack, collapsed
and died, you know!"
"Oh! That's terrible! How did it happen?"
"Well, I suspected my wife was having an affair, so I came home early one day
to spy on her. When I reached my doorstep, sure enough there was a pair of
man's shoes outside. I burst in angrily to confront them. I saw my wife
hurriedly put on a robe but I didn't see the bastard. I checked almost
everywhere but I couldn't find him. Then I decided to check the attic but as I
was climbing up the stairs, I suffered a massive heart attack and ...well here
I am!"
At that point Pete was purple with anger! "Why you stupid idiot!
If you had looked in the damn freezer, the both of us would still be alive!"
Was Satan a lawyer in a previous life? Well, he decided to
set up a law office in hell. He figured most lawyers were there and surprises,
surprise, making tons of money representing all the ghosts with their lawsuits
there. So he decided that he too would make lots of money. Together with his
three sons whose names were David Satan, John Satan and Joseph Satan, he set up
a big law office called 'Satan, Satan, Satan and Satan Law Office'. He didn't
want to call his business simply 'Satan and Sons Law Office' because he wanted
to drive home the fact that a client could literally get four Satans
representing them for the price of one.
God heard about it and decided to call Satan on the phone to mock him about his
company name.
Somebody at the law office picked up the phone: "Satan, Satan, Satan and Satan
Law Office."
God: "Hello, can I speak to Satan please?"
Law Office: "Sorry, Satan's attending a 'Fire and Brimstone' rally today."
God: "In that case, I would like to speak to Satan."
Law Office: "Satan's with a client at this moment."
God: "How about Satan, is he in?"
Law Office: "I haven't seen him today. I heard he's out torturing some pathetic
soul!"
God: "Please connect me to Satan then."
Law Office: "This is Satan speaking, how may I help you?"
There were these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says,
"Bartender, give me a shot of blood and vodka." The bartender gives him the
shot of blood and vodka, the vampire drinks it, and leaves. The second vampire
walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and vodka."
The bartender gives him the shot of blood and vodka, the vampire drinks it, and
leaves. The third vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a
mug of hot water." The bartender gives him a surprised look, "Why do you want a
mug of hot water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "It's tea
time."
Lawyers vs. Vampires - What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A
vampire only sucks blood at night.
A blonde, her sister and mother all perished in a car
accident. The blonde woke up in hell with Satan staring down at her. She got up
and, terribly scared, started crying. "I want my mum..."
"Your mum's in heaven!" Satan said, to which the blonde became hysterical.
Suddenly her sister appeared before her. Relieved to see her, she stopped
crying. As they hugged each other her sister whispered into her ear.
Again the blonde started her hysterical crying.
"What now?" Satan asked.
"My sister just told me that HER mum has also died and is also in heaven!" the
blonde replied.
There was this hospital which suffered from a strange phenomena. On this
particular bed and only on Friday mornings at exactly 8.30am, whichever patient was
sleeping on it, WOULD DIE!
Whether young, old, relatively healthy or near-death, they would simply up and DIE! FRIDAY!
8.30AM!
Autopsies revealed nothing strange and out of the ordinary. This baffled the doctors to the point that they thought this particular bed was haunted.
Then they decided to find out once and for all the cause of death on the cursed bed. They were going to get to the bottom
of it all!
The next Friday morning, they were prepared. The local priest, an expert in exorcism, was called, and armed with bibles, holy water
and crosses, the doctors and priest were prepared to fight with the DEVIL!
At 8am, they gathered around the bed on which an old man, hooked to a respirator was sleeping peacefully.
They commenced their
prayers in earnest to cast away the Devil. For a full half-hour, they recited the bible.
Then at exactly 8.30, their hearts thundering, the door flung open forcefully!
The Devil had arrived, they figured. Some dropped to their knees and yelled out Jesus' name.
The braver ones took their crosses and holy water above their heads, ready to strike at the Evil One! The priest started
reciting from "The Book of Exorcisms"!
Like clockwork, the cleaning lady had arrived! She dutifully brushed aside the crowd, unplugged the life-support system, plugged in her
vacuum cleaner and started cleaning up the room.
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see
if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy,
would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that
get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
There was a seminar on 'Ghostly Experiences' and the speaker decided to ask the audience about their personal
experiences. "Who among you has seen a ghost?" The entire audience stood up.
"Wow! That's incredible!" he said, astounded. "OK, How many of you have had a close encounter with a ghost?"
Half the audience sat down. "FANTASTIC!" he exclaimed then asked, "How many of you have spoken with a ghost?" Six people
remained standing. "NO KIDDING!" he said shaking his head. "OK, final question. How many of you have had sex with a ghost?"
This time all sat down except an old man. "SIR!" the speaker was aghast. "You REALLY had sex with a ghost?"
"Oh I thought you said GOATS!" the old man replied.
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